The Last Airbender: New Chapters RP
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 Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)

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Zulera
Alohi
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AuthorMessage
Alohi
Junior Member
Alohi


Posts : 15
EXP : 125
Join date : 2012-06-07

Character Description
Age: 22
Position: Waterbending Expert
Nation: Water Tribes

Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) Empty
PostSubject: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyThu Jun 07, 2012 7:18 pm

Full Name: Alohi Wakui Oikumai
Gender:Male
Age:18
Element: Water
Birthplace: Naturally grew up in the foggy swamp, but currently lives in the southern water tribe.
Position : Expert Water Bender

Personality : Alohi has an attitude of his own and a personality all its own. He is the type of guy to tell you straight how it is, instead of beating around the bush. He has his ups and downs depending on how good-a-day the day before was. He never is really in a bad mood, because he has managed to find a way on how to turn everything into something joyful. To him everything seems simpler than what people actually make them out to be.

Now he isn't a conceited person. People who are cocky, stuck-up and instigators’ don't even have the right to look him in the iris. He hates random everyday drama, but loves it when his friends ask him for advice. He knows how to be chill and laid back, but even the most dormant persona's can turn out to be grotesque realities. Fortunately for Alohi, he hasn't quite figured that out yet. Let us just hope he can handle the freight train that’s about to hit him.

Abilities : Alohi, when it comes to his water bending abilities, is exceptional, but like all benders his age, he could use a little more work. He has excellent water bending control, which allows him to do two things; animal summoning and water jetting. Below explains what the requirements for obtaining certain attributes of the abilities.

Animal Summoning: With this ability Alohi is able to hydro-like animals out of liquid-like materials. That does include all liquids except for vapor, blood, and melted metals. Depending on what rank the bender is, he is able to create animals from small rodents to giant fish like creatures.

Animals and Rank Requirement:

†Rodents (Rats, Mice, Gerbils, etc)-Beginners can learn
†Rabbits/Jack Rabbits-Beginners can learn
†Birds (Eagles, Hawks, Crows, Pigeons, Sparrows, etc) - Beginners can learn with time
†Turtles (Land Turtles, Sea Turtles, Snapping Turtles, Tortoise, etc)-Water bender
†Dolphins-Water bender
†Wolves-Expert
†Bears (Platypus bear, grizzly bear, etc)-Expert
†Sharks-Master
†Whales (Orca whale, Blue whale)-Master
†Other Large fish-Tribal Chief

Water Jetting: Most water benders can learn this ability. For some it takes time, for others they can learn it right off the bat. For masters and tribal chiefs, they are the ones that can actually perform successful water jetting. For lower ranks they are more like water spurts that allow them to jump various distances.

Water Jetting:

☼Beginners-Water spurts allow the beginner to jump no more than 5-10 feet
☼Water bender- Allows the water bender to jump no more than 5-15 feet
☼Expert- allows the user to jump 5-20 feet
☼Master/Tribal Chief-Allows the user to successfully jet.


Spoiler:
Appearance : Alohi has dark, dusty, blue hair that partially ranges from the top of his head to the head of his chin. It always seems to be in a messy like formality and never seems to get any better looking than it already is. His skin tone is mainly a soft lemon color, but he tans easily so sometimes it might look the color of a manila folder. His eyes are the scorching amber stones that seem to dim out on occasions. He always wears a blue muscle shirt with a rust red head band tied tight around his melon of a head. His whole body from his torso to his finger tips is covered in moonlit bandages underneath the muscle shirt. He wears tight shorts that come down past the cap of his knees. His body type his slender and athletic and he wears a small black, hard-to-see clip on a lock of his hair, for fashion.

History :
The day was middle aged as the sun reached its peak to perfection. Just right in the center of the sky as it made the watery leaves of the swamp trees glisten in its rays. Barely any light managed to hit the canopy floor of the swamp as only bits managed to touch the murky, green water. In the center of the swamp would sit a large tree that towered over the majority of the scenery. The tree had a rather large opening which was sued for and entrance and an exit.

A woman would walk out of the tree and behind her followed our young water bender; Alohi Wakui. At the time, Alohi was only seven years old. His hair as dark as the war his father served and died in. His eye’s the color of amber stones. The smile on his face was the only thing that really brought joy to the swamp. His whole attire was just so foul looking. His smile was the only clean thing about him at the time.

Ever since the day his father died; which was when he was five, Alohi’s mother decided it would be best if she taught him how to water bend like a true water bender. She has been teaching him for years how to water bend making sure he knew everything he needed to know before she actually let him start on his own. She showed him some simple water bending moves such as the water whip, and the small wave. Later, she showed him more difficult ones such as the typhoon and the tidal wave.
It was all so much to learn in such little time. I say that because Alohi was scheduled to move to the southern water tribe when he fully mastered, or at least was well suited at water bending. He was suppose to move up there with his Grandmother but she had died of old age so the little hut in which she lived in she had given to Alohi in his name. Alohi’s mother was still a bit weary of him going because if he died, then she will be all by herself.

Several years of training and teaching, Alohi was finally ready to square off against his own mother. Everything was silent as the two stared at each other. Alohi was much older now and his facial structures gave that away. He died his hair a dusty red color with some pale red leaves he found growing around the swamp. If the leaves are soaked in water their pigments bleed off the leaf and can be used for dyes. His mom was older as well, but it didn’t really show. Sure she had a few grey hairs that sprouted across her head but she still looked the same way she did fifteen years ago. Alohi was twenty-two now and this would finally decide whether or not he would be able to go to the southern water tribe. Everything paused. Alohi blinked; his mother; the same. Then, they were off. Water colliding with water splashing about as they all started moving the way the water does. The bits of sunlight that managed to break through the trees made the water glitter.

Alohi’s mom managed to slam him back with a typhoon of water she had conjured up from the swamp. Falling on his back Alohi quickly recovered by twirling on his back and creating a sort of mini cyclone by twisting the water around him as he spun. His mom was about to use another water typhoon attack, and as she did that, Alohi performed a stunt his mother had not seen him do before. He water jetted, or water spurted out of the way of the typhoon bolting in the air and landing out of the way of the attack. His landing was poorly done as he tumbled and fell, he wasn’t use to jumping on hard surfaces which was where he landed.

He smirked at his mom who smiled at him. She was about to perform another water bending when he quickly crafted two wolves using his water bending abilities. This skill took him a few years to master because it takes extreme concentration and stamina to perform. If he is hit during this process the move is cancelled and he will have to do it all over again until he manages to get it right. The wolves tackled his mother and she was brought to a halt as the battle had ended. She smiled at her son who walked to her slowly. They looked at each other for a few seconds and then embraced each other in a minute-too-long hug. Through the hug what was probably being said mentally was:

I am so proud of what you have became son. I am so proud of how far you have come in life. You will be so much greater than your father and that is what he would have wanted. You are our new light make us proud.

Several hours later, after packing up all of his things, he gave his mom one last hug and headed off toward the southern water tribe region. It wouldn’t take him that far since he could construct sea turtles and dolphins out of water, but still that does take quite the concentration and even then, what he thinks might take him a day or so, might end up taking him a week. Let’s just see how his life progresses now.



Last edited by Alohi on Mon Jun 11, 2012 7:24 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Zulera
Elite Member
Zulera


Posts : 1140
EXP : 20825
Birthday : 1991-01-16
Join date : 2012-01-22
Age : 33
Location : Everywhere

Character Description
Age: 30
Position: Avatar
Nation: Water Tribes

Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyThu Jun 07, 2012 10:42 pm

The Avatar disapproves of this Profile

so a couple things. For one, given that this isn't anime, and that the world of Avatar lacks in terms of hair-dye, he's gonna need a natural color for his hair.

but more than that, he's overpowered, especially for his age. Both "water-jetting" and the ability to summon creatures with water, are both made-up abilities, which in theory, is fine, but given the wide abilities and arsenals at such a young age, it stretches the willing suspension of disbelief a bit too far.

so I guess to put it simply... I'd recommend toning it down.
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Novai
Awesome Member
avatar


Posts : 332
EXP : -2
Birthday : 1994-11-12
Join date : 2011-09-03
Age : 29
Location : California

Character Description
Age: 20
Position: Fire Lord
Nation: Fire Nation

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyThu Jun 07, 2012 11:11 pm

I reject as well.

In regards to the hair, I honestly don't care, were set ahead of the avatar world 20 yrs, and having hair dye doesn't OP anyone, so go for it.

The OP abilities, not so much an issue as it is that of believing it could happen especially at just Expert level? Add age, and add history to make it believable. Perhaps make yourself a master with an age of...??.

Suggestions:

Water Jetting is an actually COOL idea, I'd totally go for it, however maybe 1 or 2 more years to your age won't hurt to make it believable.

Don't stop coming up with ideas, we don't want to downgrade your char, but replace things that don't necessarily fit, with ideas YOU create that could!

-Novai
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Alohi
Junior Member
Alohi


Posts : 15
EXP : 125
Join date : 2012-06-07

Character Description
Age: 22
Position: Waterbending Expert
Nation: Water Tribes

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyFri Jun 08, 2012 11:39 am

***This is still a work in progress; I forgot to put that in the title. I’m still working on it. I was going to take out the water jetting because I too believe that it is overpowered. The creature summoning I am going to tweak a bit so it meets the sites standards. The hair color was totally all my bad. I completely forgot about that. Sorry. I’m also going to redo the history because…let’s face it, it’s crap. ***
~Alohi
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Novai
Awesome Member
avatar


Posts : 332
EXP : -2
Birthday : 1994-11-12
Join date : 2011-09-03
Age : 29
Location : California

Character Description
Age: 20
Position: Fire Lord
Nation: Fire Nation

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyFri Jun 08, 2012 12:02 pm

No harm done, if you change things everything will be fine, just follow the suggestions, you don't have to wipe out things just change them.
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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyFri Jun 08, 2012 2:21 pm

Uh... the hair color can be allowed. After all, Robin Hood dyed his hair. As long as you can make the hair plausible then I don't have an issue with it. Like, you use some type of flower to dye it or something.
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Hakota-Zai
Superb Member
Hakota-Zai


Posts : 504
EXP : 4685
Birthday : 1993-10-01
Join date : 2012-05-06
Age : 30
Location : Somewhere, UT

Character Description
Age: 29
Position: Vagrant
Nation: Earth Kingdom

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptySun Jun 10, 2012 3:29 am

On the chance of sounding redundant, please be sure to put [Work in Progress](or [WIP]), or [Complete] in the topic title or description so site staff can be aware of when your application is complete or not.

This is to avoid the very confusion that has occurred in this topic thus far.

Look forward to seeing the completed work, though. The other staff have already given some advisable changes. So keep such in mind for when you further edit your work. Once complete, and properly titled, we'll know such and may swiftly and properly process your application.


~Hakota-Zai
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Alohi
Junior Member
Alohi


Posts : 15
EXP : 125
Join date : 2012-06-07

Character Description
Age: 22
Position: Waterbending Expert
Nation: Water Tribes

Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) Empty
PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyMon Jun 11, 2012 7:24 pm

Okay I managed to finish it up. Please evaluate as you see fit.
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Hakota-Zai
Superb Member
Hakota-Zai


Posts : 504
EXP : 4685
Birthday : 1993-10-01
Join date : 2012-05-06
Age : 30
Location : Somewhere, UT

Character Description
Age: 29
Position: Vagrant
Nation: Earth Kingdom

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyMon Jun 11, 2012 8:27 pm

I was at first skeptical about this application, what with an 18-year old having such powerful abilities at his disposal. And I didn't find the fact that he had seemed to do so well so soon was appealing, either.

However, upon further investigation into the history, I found you had merely mislabeled his age in the upper part of you application. So with four extra years to become expert at his unique abilities before trumping his mother in the duel, it is a fitting age for an expert bender.

As for inconsistencies, you may want to fix them: in the history, you exclaimed his age as twenty-two(Which works fine), but stated otherwise in the initial section of your application; and his hair color states blue in his appearance, while his history states red. These are merely to avoid confusing those who read your profile later on.

Otherwise: I enjoyed your creativity in trying to make new abilities in the world of Avatar (I personally love such ideas), and it's refreshing to see someone balance their abilities out (you explicitly stated he was vulnerable while bending his water creatures). 'Tis also nice to see a different hair color around here. I personally know that some ancient cultures -much less some of those in technological eras similar to Avatar- had ways of dying their hair, so no issues there from me.

Overall, I thoroughly
Approve of this application.

Just remember to fix the age/appearance to match your history. Once two other staff members approve, you may have fun on New Chapters, Alohi.

~Hakota-Zai, Moderator
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Loki
Staff Admin
Loki


Posts : 667
EXP : 5815
Join date : 2011-08-21

Character Description
Age: 22
Position: Thief
Nation: Air Temples

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyMon Jun 11, 2012 8:41 pm

I also Approve. Couldn't have put it better myself.
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Nokomi
Staff Admin
Nokomi


Posts : 339
EXP : 2700
Birthday : 1996-03-21
Join date : 2012-05-12
Age : 28
Location : Layton, Utah

Character Description
Age: 19
Position: Murderess
Nation: Fire Nation

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyMon Jun 11, 2012 8:49 pm

Approved. I rather like your character. Just make sure that the things Hakota-Zai mentioned are fixed.

By the way--my character has light blue hair, and it was never an issue. Therefore, it shouldn't be an issue with your character. Just say you use a plant dye to change the color. Simple fix. Or rather, change it to another color like you did in the history.

Anywhoo, enjoy RP'ing! I look forward to seeing your character in action!

--Nokomi.
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Hakota-Zai
Superb Member
Hakota-Zai


Posts : 504
EXP : 4685
Birthday : 1993-10-01
Join date : 2012-05-06
Age : 30
Location : Somewhere, UT

Character Description
Age: 29
Position: Vagrant
Nation: Earth Kingdom

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PostSubject: Re: Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete)   Alohi Wakui Oikumai (Complete) EmptyMon Jun 11, 2012 8:55 pm

Looks like you've got three approvals. Enjoy yourself, Alohi. See you IC.
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